Trying To Change

I have something weird to admit, but what's weirder is that I'm admitting it to no one, I blog anonymously. I can't ever be myself it seems, not even on the fucking internet. I think trading has ruined my life. No that's not true, but it's the way I feel. I've lost more than you can imagine to trading, years of my life, friendships, and I haven't been in a relationship for a long time. All of these things sacrificed coz my crazy ass decided to skip college and dive straight into futures trading. But I didn't even take the game seriously, and here I am on the internet whining like a child to random strangers, I know how I sound, full of self pity and hopelessness. Most days I find myself wishing that I could go back, I think its been 5 years now. I used to be so naive and overconfident, I thought I was so intelligent and there was nothing I could not accomplish, but like most people I was humbled by the "market". But was it really the market that humbled me.. or was it something else? I've always felt I could beat this game, but something has been holding me back, I actually think it's a combination of things. The first is fear, always afraid of what might happen if I fail, I've never fully committed myself to trading, I had my second chance at trading a few months ago, but blew that account as well. Sometimes I feel I'm just wasting my time with all this, but I can't undue the past, I can't go back and start over, and at this stage in the game it seems like such a waste to just give up, especially when I feel so close to profitable trading. It really makes me feel like shit when I think about how close I was to profitable trading IN MY FIRST YEAR, its unreal that it's been like another 4 years and still I'm right where I used to be. I miss my friends, I got into this bullshit so I could spend more time with them, I wanted to help my best friend out and that was the plan so that he could work for himself. It's unbelievable how fast time goes by, it's precious, don't waste it. For months now I've been in this state of depression, I started this blog as a way to combat that depression by blogging about shit, I didn't think I had much to say, but I guess there's a lot of stuff inside me that I need to explore in more detail. I need to figure out all of the stuff that's been holding me back, and attack these issues one at a time, truthfully though I know what most of them are, it makes me ashamed to admit the a big one is laziness, how pathetic. I haven't ever done what needed to be done in order to successful, this is true of most who fail, it's hard to admit these things, and when I take a good look at myself I'm disgusted by what I see. I've tried to change myself before, but I'm so easily demoralized by a few losses that I quickly lose my enthusiasm and slowly slip back into the abyss of depression. Losses can make you stronger or they can quickly crush you, for me I've never taken it well, and the effects seem to get worse as time goes by. Still I'm not going to give up, I've decided to fight all of these issues and battle it out in simulation. All I need to do is work hard and I will succeed in life, that's my goal, to succeed in life. I would like to be a profitable trader, but if my next account gets blown out of the water it will be back to college for me. Lately I've been backtesting, I can't connect to my live data feed coz my account is dust, so I need to get a simulation feed, I use Ninjatrader as my platform with Zen-fire as my connection, so I'm gonna try to get a free simulation only feed and then begin posting my simulation results. I've got a crappy job, but I'm saving money and in a couple months I should have enough to resume live trading, I'll be trading the 6E, ES, 6A, and possibly some other markets with some very ambitious profit goals. I think making around 1k - 1.5k a week is possible on just a single contract we'll see. I came rather close on my last shot, and remembering that gives me the strength to move forward. Sorry for this depressing post, but life's a bitch ya know? And sometimes people need to get this sort of shit off their chest. Now that I've done my whining I can get back to fighting the seemingly invincible market, it takes guts to get back up and once again do battle with an enemy that makes you look stupid every time, but what's better, sitting around like every other lemming out there and complaining about my situation all day, Or fighting the ones who have done this to me, including myself.